When We Break God's Heart

Last week, I together with two of my roommates (Gehpot, Cheq) and another friend (Judy) visited Gabbi* and brought along strawberry ice cream. I never thought that my heart would be marred that Wednesday night.

First, Gabbi did not like my brown turtle neck blouse. When I showed a picture taken earlier that night with Cheq, she said I was not pretty because of the blouse I was wearing. I remember that she was used to seeing me with blouses having bright, happy colors and prints. Her favorite colors are orange and pink. Because of this, she rarely talked and played with me.

Second, since that was the only time she saw her other Titas, she was more excited to play and talk with them. As such, I did not get any hug from her that night.

Third, the ice cream we brought along only had her attention for a second as she was more interested to play with the Titas. Remembering my (with Tita Gehpot) last visit to Gabbi almost a month ago, she hugged me so tightly when I asked her if she liked ice cream. I mentioned all the ice cream flavors I know and she beamingly answered that she liked them all. Yet, she only ate a spoonful of ice cream during that night.

Yes, my heart was broken that night but I understand that she is just a child and that is the way they are. I still love her despite that night and I will continue to visit her.

After the Sunday service and a small talk with friends, one friend prayed Psalm 131:2 for me “But I have stilled my heart and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me”.

It dawned on me that perhaps we are really like a child before God, our Father. Relating that Wednesday night with Gabbi, we have the tendency to only draw near to God and walk with Him when things are bright, when we have victories and successes and when things are going our way. However, when things are dull and dark, when we are faced with though times, we have the tendency to turn away from God.

Like a child, we also have the tendency to get distracted with new things. Oftentimes, wealth, careers, and relationships can easily take away our focus on God.
Lastly, like a child, we sometimes have a short memory for what we ask from Him, thus failing to thank Him and enjoy the gifts He has given us. As my leader said in one of our small group session, “The reason why it takes time for our prayers to get answered is because God wants to prepare our hearts. He does not want us to be overwhelmed with those blessings, He wants us to be ready to handle them so that we will fully enjoy His gifts”.

I am a child. I have caused God so many heartbreaks. However, like a parent He is always there running after me, embracing me and loving me unconditionally.

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*Gabbi is a four-year old little girl who used to be our neighbor at Cityland. She is cute, witty, adorable and smart. You may read more about her at www.ellinepaz.blogspot.com, www.ellinepaz.multiply.com (The Night We Met Gabbi)

Freedom

This morning I heard from the radio two of my favorite songs for years, “What Might Have Been” and “Back for Good”. More than the nice tune, the songs also meant a lot to me because I always liked to reminisce about my past.

Today, I had another breakthrough. I caught myself not feeling the same way as the song goes. Today, I have lost some words in my vocabulary such as “past, gaya ng dati, what if”.


For years, God has always been dealing with me in this area of letting go of the past. In one preaching at church, the pastor said that even our past victories can stifle us from moving forward. I remember January 2005, I was afraid that God will no longer bless me for that year because He already answered all my 3 major faith goals in 2004. It’s good my leader and friends encouraged me that God is a progressive God that He will continue to bless us more than what we can ever imagine.
I checked my archive of personal emails and saw three of them referring to letting go of the past. Below are excerpts.

August 8, 2005 – Let Go of the Past ( A love letter from God)

“ I know, My child, I know. Your mind is often filled with hurtful things that happen to you. Sometimes you even say to people "You don't know how much it hurt Me when such and such happened." Well, I ask you again, does what happen to you in the past change the fact that Jesus loves you and died for you, and now you can spend eternity with Him in heaven? I don't have to wait for your answer, because I know immediately your mind said, "No!"

September 9, 2005 – The Same Old Baggage (By Ron Hutchcraft)
Now, that's what Jesus wants to do for you. He's got the power to do it. He wants to help you put the pain and paralysis of the past once and for all behind you. To take away your victim card and replace it with the one that says, "More than conquerors through Him who loved us."

He wants to help you to make today the day that you wrap up the past and put it in a book called Volume 1, and leave it on the shelf forever. Today is the beginning of Volume 2. A volume in which you release the hurt through forgiving the hurter, you release the sin through aggressive repentance, you release the worthless feelings by living like the masterpiece God created you to be. Unless, of course, you'd rather just keep watching the same old baggage go around and around for the rest of your life. Do you want to get well? If so, then the miracle is next.

October 10,2005 - The Joy of Facing Forward (By Ron Hutchcraft)
And God says, "If you keep dwelling on the past, you're going to miss the whole new thing I'm trying to do in your life!" This isn't living in denial - that means you've never faced the ugly things in the past, and frankly, there's no conquering them until you face them. But if you just keep dredging them up over and over, you're missing so much of what God wants to be doing in your life now.


Wow! Although it took months and years for God to liberate me from my past, from fears and doubts of stepping out in faith, it is worth the time and journey with Him who truly gives us freedom.

Wow Bicol!

My officemates and I decided to take the “Bicol Express” trip last Holy Week, thanks to Tricia who graciously showcased her province. It was a fun road trip considering that 10 of us were jam packed in one van despite the back and neck pains we all had after the trip. Paul, Egay and Kokoy proved to be comic actors and can pass as movie directors with their stories.

Sayang ang Wakeboarding!
Our first stop was the CWC (Camsur Wakeboarding Center), which was the largest inland wakeboarding center in Asia. Weeks before the trip, we were all excited to try this sport. Several TV features of wakeboarding and the CWC further ignited our enthusiasm.
As we watched those guys and gals fall from their board (nakatayo man sila o nakaluhod), it took us about 30 minutes to muster our guts to finally pay and try it. Since the place was jam packed due to the Easter break, there was a long queue, pang 10th yata yung group naming sa pila. We waited, took pictures, took a nap while waiting for our turn. It was already 4pm when we noticed na hindi kami gumalaw sa pila. We then decided to head off and just forget about wakeboarding during this trip…sa Batangas na lang siguro kami.












Legaspi and the Famous Bigg’s Diner


We booked at Sampaguita Tourist Inn for the night so as to get nearer the next day’s stop which was Donsol. Until now, we are still debating if the inn was previously a hospital (may katabing morgue, chapel and extended clinic hehe).

On our way to Legaspi, we were intrigued by the huge billboards of Bigg’s Diner. Its Bicol’s Jollibee, Mcdo, Kenny Rogers rolled into one. We decided to try Bigg’s It took us how many ikot (which was kind of fun!) to get to Biggs. Thanks to the guys (girls?) who finally gave us the direction. Sa probinsya (even sa Ilocos), “ang malapit lang o dyan lang“ is really malayo (which means medyo matatagalang lakarin). We finally arrived at Biggs Diner and it did not disappoint us with our high expectations. The Extreme burger, Mushroom burger, baked potato and chicken were certified hits.

Close Encounter with the Butandings


The home of the Butandings was almost an hour away from Legaspi. At 7:30am, we were to be served by the 35th and 36th boat. The encounter with the “Gentle Giants” would require us to watch a 15-minute information video before hitting the waters.

After almost two hours of chatting and eating lots of junk foods, we headed the waters. The Butanding Interaction Officer (BIO) was kind enough to take care of me and those who were not swimmers. We had so much fun putting those flippers on and jumping to the waters upon his signal.

My first encounter with the “Gentle Giant” was awesome. I saw the eyes and the big mouth and swam along with it. Totoo nga, the Butanding is as big as a bus. My other boatmates (Bodie, Olive, Issa) also had their tales of their first encounter. Our group saw 6 Butandings in all.

When we met with the other friends (Boat number #35), they can not help but be amazed with the size and gentleness of the Butanding. We all thought our new snorkeling sets were defective kasi pinapasukan ng water. The sets were not defective pala, dahil pala sa “pagka-awe” namin, napapa-wow kami kaya pinasukan ng water ang snorkeling sets.

We all noticed that some of the Butandings had scars, some of which were brought about by boats which sail at night. One more thing from this experience, it’s kind of hard to take pictures of your friends swimming with the Butandings because you would not want to miss looking at it yourself.

Invisible Mayon


We had the chance to visit Mayon Volcano. However, the skies were hazy after the rain, thus the volcano’s perfect peak were not visible to us. However, the low visibility did not stop us with picture taking!

Aguirrangan Island…Here We Come!

After a restful 2nd night at Sabang, we boarded a boat for a 45-minute trip to Aguirrangan , one of Bicol’s white sand island. We stopped for a few minutes after the boat’s motor overheat. After a few “uno dos tres” pulls by the manongs, we finally headed to the cool beach.

The sand was nearly white. The waters were clear. We had a nice time swimming and most of all, we had fun taking underwater pictures.












****While writing this, I remember one preaching of our pastor. He said God wants us to discover His creation. Well, God must have been saying while watching us board the boats at Donsol, “let’s see how my kids react when they see those huge Butandings”. I’m sure God was not disappointed at all given our reactions and the way we were awed by the size and gentleness of those “Gentle Giants”.**************

The Night We Met Gabbi

I first met Gabbi almost 5 years ago when she was still in her mom’s womb. Janet, her mom, and I would have short chats while we wait for the elevators at Cityland.
The next time I met Gabbi (she was two months old) I was awed by her cute cheeks. In some mornings, I would see them at the corridor being cradled by her mom and they would go to our roofdeck every morning for some sunshine.

Time flew fast. Two years back, I was surprised to see that little angel run around, talk and laugh. When she was just about three years old, Janet finally introduced me to her. Afterwhich, we would exchange in the corridor, the condo lobby and even at Starbucks Galleria.

Me and my roommates (6 of them) would always remember that fateful “Bagyong Milenyo” night. We were singing our hearts out, with our main door opened, when Gabbi peeped out of their condo. She must have been intrigued by the angelic voices we had or should I say the noise we made.

I fetched her at their condo and that was the start of a wonderful “barkadahan” with her. Since then, she would visit us some weeknights and we would play around. Her wittiness would always bring us to laughter.

Few of Gabbi’s Famous Moments with us are:
1. Hide and seek
2. Twister board game (she would let the other girls move their hand/foot so she can place hers)
3. “Pretend Pretend” – She would pretend to drive us to the beach with pretending to make ”bangga”
4. On a Jollibee night out with me and Tita Gehpot, we asked her who is her bestfriend, she answered you Tita Elline! I asked her who’s her 2nd best friend, she answered Tita Gehpot. Marunong sumagot na bata!

I could go on and on with a list of moments with Gabbi but I guess I’ll just stop at four. We miss her badly since they moved to another condo.

I decided to write something about her and upload her pictures for I know that in a few years more Gabbi will be able to check this out. We miss you Gabbi!

What is Your Reese?

Last Thursday night I saw these Reese chocolates at our freezer. I am not a big fan of Reese chocolates but somehow its packaging (bright orange set against that white and icy freezer) stimulated my appetite for these peanut butter cups. I was surprised to be craving for them until the next day. Friday night came, my roommate Cheq generously gave me one of those peanut butter cups. After slowly and leisurely eating the Reese, I came to realize how ordinary it tasted since I still preferred Andes Mint and Toblerone Dark chocolates.

Somehow like these Reeses, our appetite for some things are stirred by good packages – be it career, family, relationships, partner and material stuff. We are wowed by them, we run after them, we work hard for them and go through such lengths to have them. However, there are times that after finally having them, we realize that these are not really what we needed and what we wanted.

With this, I came to realize that we have to get settled with what we want. Do we want to labor in vain? Do we want to waste more time getting to our destiny? Do we want to confuse God (who can immeasurably bless us) and get Him to ask us “Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo anak?”.

I believe that as I grow and mature, I have to get more settled with what I need and what I want. If we don’t, we might just end laboring in vain and extending more time to get to the best that God has for us.

******I shared these thoughts to one of my friends and she has been blessed, you may check out the article at www.clairestofthemall.multiply.com*******

Satisfaction Guaranteed

Recently, my appetite for so many wonderful things has been stirred up. Few of them are a beautiful house, beautiful kids and of course a loving husband, a CRV, vacations and many more.

It dawned on me that God also wants us to desire, hope and believe for these things simply because He wants to bless us. But my craving for these things right now are unbelievably controllable. Unlike the past years, it does not control me anymore for I know that soon He will hand it to me. This thought satisfies me enough to make me smile every morning.

This morning as I read on Psalm 104 (where David marvels about God’s creation), I am awed by how He laid the clouds above, how the mountains stood, how the birds nested, how trees lived hundreds of years and how lions seek for food. It said in Psalm 104:27-28, “These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time. When you give it to them ,they gather it up, when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things”.

Wow! What a nice promise to hold on to. Everyday He satisfies me not only with little things I pray for but also with joy and peace that at His perfect timing, I will see those big dreams come to life.

I Ought To Become The Leading Lady

The movie “The Holiday” starred by Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet gave me a bittersweet pill, which was hard for me to swallow. Then again, I had to take that pill.

For those who haven’t seen the movie, a line by an old guy (Hollywood writer Arthur Abbott, as his character) said to Kate Winslet (forgive me if these are not the exact lines):

“ In movies, there are leading ladies and there are these women who are the best friends. You are a leading lady but you are acting like you are just a best friend”.

This was in reference to Kate who was getting over his ex-boyfriend’s (should I say friend) recent engagement to a colleague. Kate, because of her love, remained a friend and a wallflower to this “confused” guy (as he reasoned in the movie).

Growing up, I always have developed good friendships with boys, guys and men. Some of these friendships have grown to another level, some have remained platonic and some have remained sour after dialed attempts (by either of one us) to bring it to a higher level which is romance.

I have had my own share of being just the “best friend” in my own movie. I have had so many “coffee nights” listening to some friends who have poured out their pain from also being just the “best friend”. I’ve often wondered why the number of “best friends” are increasing. Why? Because we allow ourselves women to be just that. Because of these, there is also an increasing number of men who are “so confused” with what and who they really want.

A guy friend once told me that men have one of three things in mind when they approach a woman:

1) approach her to be her friend first with plans to court her someday
2) approach her to be really just a friend
3) approach her because he likes her and wants to get to know her better

You see, there is really a thin line between a friendship and romance (assume in this circumstance, both being single). Oftentimes, we women don’t recognize the difference between #1 and #2 because men also are confused with their intentions. As such, either of the two end up getting hurt.

I realized that I don’t really want to be just the “best friend”. I want to be the leading lady. I want to be the princess. I want to be the woman that the leading man dreams of at night. I know that when I am the leading lady, I can be his best friend for life.

It is my prayer that God will continue to protect my heart, to wait upon Him as He readies my leading man for action…because I know someday, he will be there to sweep me off my feet.

I'll Be There For You!

Took this from my friend's post Clairestofthemall.blogspot.com......enjoy!

Thailand Memoirs: Colorful Cabs and An Englishman

This February, I had another memorable business trip to Bangkok.

During our long morning trips to the plant, I was surprised to see a fleet of colorfu l taxicabs - fuschia, orange, apple green, blue and purple. Having no interesting billboards lately, I was fascinated with those cabs "kasi malayo pa lang kitang-kita na yung fuschia".

One morning, we were caught in a heavy traffic jam near our hotel. This "Discovery Center" mall showcased a Valentine-inspired entrance. Its stairs were painted with "City Caricature" colored red, black and white. Atop the stairs were big block of letters spelled L O V E. I couldn't help but smile, romantics rin ang mga Thai.

At the airport, while waiting for my boarding, I feasted on these cream cheese bagel and yummy Mint and Dark chocolate ice cream. While happily writing down my thoughts about this trip, an Englishman approached me (about mid 60s to 70s). We had an interesting conversation about his business trips in Bangkok, about the Thai culture and also about the Filipino culture. He admitted visiting Philippines once but had little time to discover the best and worse parts of Manila. He shared that he could have documented his memories during his younger years through writing but failed to do so. With this, I was more inspired to capture my experiences through writing at my blog. Thanks to technology, I look forward to the time that my children and grandchildren will be reading about these articles.

Well what can I say, my trips to Bangkok are getting more and more interesting. I guessed I finally enjoyed it when I started realizing how blessed I was to be single at this season of my career.

One Night In Bangkok

Consider this as a sequel to my “No More Lonely Nights” write up.

During my business trips in Bangkok, I would always feel a ripping cry inside me. “No one cares whether you are in our out of Manila”. One time, my boss caught me with a sad face on our way back to Manila and asked me if I was enjoying Bangkok and did not want to go home. My answer was, “I don’t have a family waiting for me”. Oftentimes, I would compare myself to those OFWs and co-employees who are all excited to see their husbands, wives, families, kids.

After that fateful New Year’s Eve, I succumbed to a testing of being alone. During my January trip to Bangkok, I was left by my bosses to work for one more day. This Wednesday night, I just seated at that pizza parlor, not feeling a tinge of loneliness and actually happy. I caught this video wall of Toyota outside showcasing cartoon pictures of Toyota Car, Santa Claus, heart and etc. For me that night was magical, a romantic one with my best friend, my counselor, my God…I never felt most secure in my lifetime.

No More Lonely Nights

Being single and away from my family for a long time has given me some lonely nights. However, as I ushered into 2007, something extraordinary happened…a breakthrough at last.
It was my first time to spend New Year in Manila from the usual long Christmas to New Year break in Ilocos. Coming off from late night parties prior to Christmas and long trips to and fro my province, I caught a bad flu last Dec.30. Earlier, I planned to spend New Year’s Eve with my Kuya Ralph’s family at Los Banos, Laguna. However, in consideration of my new nephew (3-month old Basti), I decided to stay in our condo.

Late Dec. 31, I was surprised to find myself being okay to spend New Year’s Eve alone. I just yielded to Ate Sam’s prodding for me to spend it with her and her kid, Rorie. Come 12AM, I woke up and joined Ate Sam to watch the fireworks. I smilingly said my prayers for my parents (who are still in the US), for my Kuya Roel and Kuya Ralph’s family.

For the first time, I was at peace, happy and joyful, knowing that even though I was away from my family, I was loved. God has given me the warmest embrace, comfort and love during that New Year’s Eve..goodbye lonely nights.

A night with Nathan and Job

I got to be a "yaya" to the two cute sons of Paz and Allan one Thursday night during a couple's seminar. It was Nathan's 4th birthday that day. Instead of the two boys being in the KC room of VCF, I volunteered to bring them to a fastfood chain/donut store.

I first met the two boys last Nov. 2006 in an outreach of our cellblock at Shepherd of the Hills, Zambales. I was surprised how Nathan answered me when I asked him if he still remembered me. He cutely said, "Nakasama kita sa car tita, tapos lumipat ka pa nga then naiwan mo ung para sa tiyan mo". Amazing how he could remember the details.

Job was no longer shy like our first meeting. Nathan, I should say has grown more as a kuya to Job since November. As I was buying another donut for take out, the two boys eagerly wanted to go back to the center, Nathan said " wag ka mag-alala tita, ako ang bahala kay Job, hindi sya mawawala."

When I Was Just Sixteen?

My niece from my Kuya Roel, Kamille, has grown up to be just like her tita (who else but me).

Even when she was a kid, my lolas and lolos would mistake her for me. Kamille talks, walks, sings, dances and even looks like me. My father recounts that he often catches her doing the same thing I did when I was “nagdadalaga” –which is to turn my back on the big mirror, holding a small mirror to see how my hair looks back view. I was also surprised too see her wetting her lips all the time, one mannerism which up to now I still have.

I had the biggest laugh for this January when one day I was in Thailand, she texted me “Tita, pinakita ko yung pic natin sa Music Teacher ko. I asked him to guess how old you were. Sabi nya 16. Muntik na syang mahimatay nung sinabi ko na 30 ka na”. I laughingly shared the text to my boss and even our picture to show the proof. Well, it’s a bit flattering but nah, I would have been more flattered if he guessed I was just 25.

Welcome 2007!!!

God has blessed me with so much this 2006. I would like to share with you my Top Ten blessings:

• To ride a Go Kart (finally after X years of waiting)
• Kutakinabalo Trip with MBA friends
• Basti (my new nephew)
• Weddings & engagements of dear friends
• Digicam (a simpler model than the one in the pic)
• Fake lashes (which gave me lots of memories during my appendectomy at Med City)
• Growth of my kids ministry
• New friendships
• A 1-bedroom condo (which I just started paying)
• A new heart song and a happy feet (God gave me more joy than I could ever imagine)

Psalm 27:13 I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Let’s look forward to a more fruitful and joyful 2007!

The Story of the Fake Lashes

I didn’t know that my “not-so-good” lash curler could bring me to such level of adventure in beauty terms. As we prepared for my roommate’s wedding last October 22, 2006, I accidentally trimmed my lashes with that old lash curler.

With the prodding of my officemates, I entered the parlor and had those fake lashes attached. Just one final note, those lashes were too heavy that I had a hard time sleeping.

Vacation at Medical City

Other people would have dreaded a time spent in the hospital or to undergo a surgery for that matter. But for me, I sort of had a “vacation” last October 24 to October 28,2006 at the New Medical City.

That Wednesday morning was fine, doing my usual work plus some arranging of music for our ‘70s dance presentation. Just before lunchtime, I had this pain on the right side of my stomach. I still had the power to finish lunch while crying and laughing out my pain. After an hour, my officemates brought me to the clinic. After another hour, our company surgeon advised to take out my appendix.

I was sent to Medical City through an ambulance (my 2nd time huh?) and had all the tests done by 6PM. My surgery took place from 9PM to 10PM and came out of the recovery room by 2AM the next day.

Why was it a vacation then?

Well I had so much laughter, many dear friends who came to visit, baskets of flowers and fruits, had unlimited TV viewing and was able to rest. What made it more fun was those fake lashes which I got the day before my operation (refer to the Why the Lashes article?). As such, below are my unforgettable moments:

TOP FIVE UNFORGETTABLE HOSPITAL MOMENTS

5th Everyone who visited me had these comments, “Uy bakit ka naka-make up?”, “Kanino ka naman nagpa-make up?”, “Naka mascara ka ba?”

4th On the 2nd night, Elline soundly sleeping, Nurse doing her regular checkup of bloodpressure and temperature.Nurse wakes up Elline

Nurse: Ma’am ang cute naman ng pilikmata nyo, parang manika

Elline (half awake): Fake yan miss

Nurse: Alam ko po (sabay ngiti)

3rd Elline in a wheelchair at the clinic (upon learning of the needed appendectomy), phone rings
Elline (Talking to an officemate) : Yeah, I’ll be fine, I have my roommates and friends naman kahit wala yung parents ko dito (naiiyak na)

Karen (officemate) : O wag kang umiyak, nalalaglag na yung isang batch ng lashes mo (sabay kuha sa fake lashes from my cheeks, nalaglag nga!)

2nd Elline in the operating room and just had a shot of anesthesia. The anesthesiologist asked me to count up to 10. Before I started counting, the doctor commented “ang ganda ng lashes mo!”, I answered “fake po yan eh”, then nawalan na ako ng consciousness

1st Elline being brought to RM 1403 at 2AM, Gehpot and Isang (roommates waitingfor me).
Isang: Gehpot, pakiabot ng cotton and toner ni Elline, linisin ko lang yung face nya

Isang (after cleaning my face): Gehpot, may baby oil ba tayo dyan?

Gehpot: Ha, wala eh, para saan?

Isang: Tanggalin ko lang yung mascara ni Elline

Gehpot and I (with the fresh wound) were laughing kasi may idea si Gehpot na fake yung lashes ko. Hay, buti I was still conscious kundi natanggal yung lashes ko ng wala sa oras hehehe

To wrap up, I came to realize that God loves me so much. Although my family was not around to take care of me, He sent me lots of friends (from different seasons of my life) to take care of me. God is good!